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Showing posts from August 15, 2016

Old Cold and Full of Mold

I  dont want to grow old. I don't mind growing up a bit, but there's a certain turning point in life that I fear. The age of putting your pants on backwards, when that strange orb-like pouch forms below your belly button, and I never want to poop my pants in an albertsons (this is a true story. I saw it happen. I smelled it happen. I won't go into detail).  I am convinced that on a certain birthday (let's just say 71st for shits and giggles), a team of hairstylists shows up unannounced in the dead of night, to give each woman that sphere shaped bundle of curls that each elderly woman rocks so well. Sorry men, but your hair takes care of itself by either falling out or greying around this same age. I don't want the sphere.  I don't want fake teeth, or saggy boobs, or hips that pop, lock....and can't drop. In order to keep the spirit young wild and free, I  have decided it's good for the soul to feed on excitement. By acting out of the ordinary, inappropriate…